Hello, Lovine.com

It is my bad dream that I will never really wake up from. A year ago, one of my dearest friends was ruthlessly murdered at his home along with his girlfriend, Nika. There is NOT ONE SINGLE DAY that I do not think about them.

Eggy mentioned to me once, that I find my happiness outside the shallow trivialities (and shallow acquaintances) that others tends to brood on. It stuck to me, and I continually try to crack open that puzzle of finding the hidden fires in my heart. I confided that while the both of us were working for the family business, it's incredibly refreshing to meet someone who plays no nonsense and understands what he wants, and goes out on a limb to pursue it. He will undoubtedly continue to inspire me, and many others blessed to have met him, until we are gone ourselves.

That was a picture at ABS-CBN I took before a taping I tagged along with. No makeup necessary, for a man as beautiful as you, Eggy. I'll see you someday. I love you and will miss you forever.

Dreamt about a friend last night. I hugged him tight, and while patting my hands through his back I felt a rib that seemed to stick out, by his left shoulder blade. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, told him that I loved him. Then a wave of sadness washed over me and broke me into tears.

While everyone seems to run around like headless chickens in pursuit of frivolous shit, there are the few people whose hearts are made of gold trying to make this crazy world a better place. Everyday, I wake up from my dreams wondering if I have what it takes to live beyond my own, to give, to make the world proud. To create meaning, to find out what it really means to be alive, to pursue the horizon with a fiery passion, to live without abandon.

Each day, at a time.

Took the car out for a long drive to Pampanga to finally visit Alexis. Armed with vague instructions (and Firefox in offline mode), I actually had no problem finding the place. It was a small cemetery, and I found their family vault (the largest in the area) emblazoned with "Tioseco - Pamintuan".

It took me a while to confirm that it was the right one, since I couldn't find his name plate. I always replayed in my head what it would be like to see it - but this time it was going to be for real. My heart always thought about the vagueness of its loss, about the disconnect of my reality, of my distance. And here I was, two hours away from the city, no further away from my friend than I had ever wished to be. Then I saw a little prayer card, tucked into the corner of a picture frame.

I stood under the sun for awhile, my head against the dusty black gate, trying to transform my grief into some form of acceptance. That I wished the universe to always give us the strength to overcome our losses, and the gift to love the world to whom we truly belong.

Eggy, I miss you terribly.