Yearly Archives: 2005

life has this fluid transgression in between waking moments, lulling you into a comfortable rhythm of routine.. quietly enslaving you to your comfort zone. wrapping you in familiar friendships, enveloping you with an amorphous feel-good substance you call home. and eventually, the endless days train you the ability to digest everyday occurances into a washed out plethora of numb empty actions. washed out, fed up, stagnant – and you don’t even know it.

there always seems to be a reason to run away from something.

gosh.

fearing the most at this moment- like a clock unwinding, the complete opposite of the direction we’re supposed to be heading.

feeling like passions might run dry, without even knowing what they really are. feeling like another cog in the wheel with no purpose nor consequence to exist, a small bump in the road and a small jitter at the most when taken out of the system. trivialities take on the form of tragedies. like everyone else just searching for meaning, outside of living moments each second at a time. where is the bigger picture?

an overall lack of faith, a lack of defined sensible reasons for being, a lack of understanding for personal space in conjunction with the space everyone else claims. in the bottom of the barrel we might all just be the same, struggling to be different, but still chained to the reality that we’re just like everyone else.

what is purpose? what is meaning? … who are you?

zen sushi, silverlake last night. armed myself with the camera and a new flash head. mix old friends with the new, and i’m a happy camper!

i need to find earplugs, my eardrums are shot. everything sounds dull and when i find myself in the company of silence, a ringing bell starts to resonate right through my skull. how can you not love body and soul numbing rock and roll? more music! louder! yess…

i forgot to eat dinner. sometimes i wish i never had to bother, especially when i have no time to share it with anyone. so i guess it becomes a good thing that i forgot about it, cos i feel fat anyway. there goes my cup of sarcasm. i’m going to make a t-shirt that says “i love carbs.”

i came across this in the philippine daily inquirer a few minutes ago. what struck me was the prayer he wrote moments before taking his life. inspite the beauty of what is written, it belies tragedy.

i feel like we will all face the same questions, of how our small lives fit into the greater scheme of things. not only by trying to search for meaning, but in trying to keep our heads above the torrents of a corrupt world in a struggle to keep our faith- even the smallest faith, the smallest truths that are only true because we believe in them.

From: Ted Borlongan
Subject: My prayer

GOD asked me to wait; I endured. God asked me to do right; I struggled for what was right. I kept strong outside, but stood alone. My unbearable fear, burden and pain for the sake of others and my family, I shared only with God.

O where is Justice? Where is Truth? Where is Compassion? It is Your face Lord, I truly seek. If not now, then after this lifetime. If not here, then in Your kingdom.

I finished my race; I fought my good fight; I did not give up; I kept my faith. Yet death may still bear meaning or purpose for others, if not our lives.

Lord, look upon us with mercy and love in our last moments of human frailty. Let me sing You praise and glory forever in Your house.

may he rest, in peace.

secrets are unspoken when our eyes meet, and it’s funny if you might understand what that split second means. or maybe i’m just doomed to being a loser for the rest of my life. gosh. idiiiot. whudduya thiiink?

genuine repentance doesn’t come without genuine forgiveness… simple enough, unlocking complications into sense. i’ll explain tomorrow. kudos to roy!

i coughed up blood in the shower this morning.

it’s not fun waking up when the sun isn’t out. unless i’m going to the airport, or leaving with my dog for the beach. it ain’t cool.

oh, boy.

if you paid attention, then maybe you’d understand. or maybe you never were really meant to, in the same capacity that i don’t. we may choose to throw it all up and let the wind decide options we never had the strength to confirm. decisions that weighed more than souls combined yet let alone to be tickled by faith in random fate. factored only by time, and quite possibly by the random permutations of chance. a thousand silent messages are exchanged, when our pupils dilate in the shared space when we accidentaly look at each other.

or maybe she doesn’t really care when i look at her. she seems too engrossed in her art. what comfort does doubt provide?

saw stella’s notch this weekend. only the second time i’ve seen them, but they always manage to floor me; my whole world stops when melody starts to sing. they’re on my list of bands to follow, most definitely.

i am feeling extremely lazy, that i can feel myself too tired to even be lazy. i spent more than half of the day lounging around like a housecat, flip flopping in bed like a salmon out of water in two dimensional slow motion. i love it when i put my hand under the pillow to find a few cold moments, and the insincere fragility of dreams that ensue in a half waken state.

i wonder if i’ll survive this week of white collar sweatshopping. it only takes a few thoughts for me to want to close my eyes a moment longer than the last.

i spent the whole day lost in a haze of sedating pseudoephedrines, endless sheets of kleenex, and swimming languidly in the deep warmth of my comforter hours upon daydream hours on end. space and time started to melt into the translucent sheet of a silver movie screen, finding me to belong yet remain a spectator at the same time. floating incessantly through a numbing series of pseudo dreams, permeable to truths but still a dream nonetheless..

there’s this vegan stunt lady named spice, at the house of champions who explained to me why her family doesn’t eat meat nor consume any type of dairy products. after skimming the usual processed foods story, she goes on to organic detail about pus on cow’s tits and antibodies designed for baby calves that will eventually concoct havoc on your pancreas. at the rate she was going, we might as well grow udders and rot from mad cow disease.

gosh, and i thought it was bad enough farting noxious fumes after a glass of good ole vitamin d milk. i brew a mighty concoction, i must say. but having to worry about viral proteins chimmying down my immune system? forget it. as my dad king benny would declare: “i eat to live, and i live to eat.”

not eating meat is one thing. but to desensitize all foods into a scare of chemical slews that would bestow cancer upon thee, is another. i’m allergic to shrimp, but i’d happily consume copious amounts because i know i’ll die anyway. might as well go down a happy man. whatever floats your sushi boat, brah.

oh, and check this out. fo shizzle.

pictures from saturday night’s shenanigans are here. i came back from a long yet awesome possum training session out at stone cold philly, straight to the club. not too shabby. aside from the snafu of losing luggage for a few hours, and the pain of getting up with a hangover to iron your shirts for the morning session, it can’t be all so bad when you’ve met tons of wonderful people while thousands of miles far far away from home. and never being too tired to spend time with old and new friends alike. :) cheers!

condolences, brother. your pain is always mine. i share in the ups and downs, and my prayers are with you and your family. god bless.