Yearly Archives: 2005

there is no growth, without pain and sacrifice.

on a separate note. there is no fence, until you see the grass on the other side.

inside my bag was a magical piece of special polvoron this morning.

more than the gifts that i have been given, i’m most thankful of my ability to appreciate them, than having them by and in themselves. there are only a few things that nobody can take away from us – a smile, a thought, our ability to enjoy the smallest yet most rewarding pleasures that life can offer.

mondays don’t bid me so well since concentration is all but on my side. i want to be outside and run all day. :)

sitting at the san jose terminal, waiting for my flight back to socal los angeles. i saw two friends have more than 6 inches of hair get chopped off into a lifeless bundle, thrown carelessly onto a plastic tray like a dead fish out of the water. off with the old, and in with the new! do mondays count, when a new week rolls in? or does the week start when the weekend begins? oh hello, susie derkins.

full circle. i’m back in chicago where i was born.

i’m a stranger, really. i never really spent time here, being in limbo between manila and los angeles. it would be cool to warp back to the 80’s, and have my grandfather show me what it was like back then. it’s a weird transition, but i’d write something about the mystery of having our lives flash before our eyes before we die, and how i imagine it to be an explosion of emotion that only takes a literal split second but spans a multitude of years while it’s happening. i’d talk about the moment when it all collapses back to the past, and how it would be cool if you can walk thru it with someone, to show you what it was really like when everything was unfolding.

i’m freaking out cos i found two white hairs aside from the normal spot above my right ear where one usually appears.

i need a vacation. a real one.

i used to wonder if there was something wrong with me, always trying to ‘escape’ where and when i am. but now i realise you meet people, places and things that are well worth staying long periods of time away from.

the greatest mystery for professional/corporate success of the individual lies in the ability to pour your heart out to something that only offers a mere glimpse of anything that has bearing. if you’re lucky, you’ll bridge the connection between the value of your time and skills, against a greater scheme of endless hamster wheels stacked on each other, squirreling away.

my faith in finding purpose as a corporate cog has begun to waver. the bearings of my life, have started to divert away from my net worth as a turning bolt in a machine. i’d like to think that everyone at one point in their lives or another, have thought the same as i have now: of the world as a scam. we’re all herded like cows towards a certain direction, expected to mulch on the same grass. but the bigger problem is, that the grass is always greener on the other side. and it never really changes since it’s all been illusioned to be that way. pony up, cowboy!

i caught a bum in the corner of my eye while i was walking to lunch during work today. he had a look on his face that mysteriously read contentment, but more likely manifest by the delusions of hunger. and at each purposeful stride i made as i passed the dirty man, was a sudden pang to give him all the cash i had in my wallet. it wasn’t about the money, in and by itself. what everyone needs sometimes, is not the delusions of hope that money can bring, but the upliftment given by a random deed. the notion that luck isn’t merely a smatter of chance, but a real manifest of choice and meaning. that hope is not deducible to tools of commerce, the tools of a society, but the very fibers of choice that each of us are capable of making.

by the glassy look in his eye, i knew we were on the same page. he was gone by the time i got back. like the opportunity to make sense of the day, fleeting and nimble on its feet. like the chance to fit pieces together that are coming close to give answers, perpetually elusive. like the horizon that never comes, the grass that sits idlely on the other side that forever waits to someday be forgotten.

harrowing ten hour day at work. and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to let up for the next week. now i celebrate impending catastrophe at jerry’s deli, devouring a strawberry sundae, leeching off unsecured wireless internet from the neighbors in sherman oaks.

bizarre how we have these roles to fulfill, and even better is having the ability to question it. imagine – do animals ever question the complexity of their natural social structure? nature has it’s own enforcers in place, and the rules are quite clear: either you are, or you aren’t. not everyone can be the top dog, not everyone can play the role of the queen bee. and sooner or later, somebody gets eaten.

who decides who becomes a farmer, who decides who becomes a nerd like bill gates? and sooner or later, somebody has to pay their taxes. sooner or later, somebody has to pay for something. we have all these roles to fulfill, but in the case of a questioning mind, the world can be painted many a different shade depending on the stroke of the tongue, the direction of your logic. at what point, do we start complicating things that aren’t really that complicated? when things aren’t complicated or when you throw your arms up in surrender to succumb to the comforts of complacence, at what point have you denied yourself the truth? what is, the real value of the truth? perhaps it’s also a leap of faith, to believe that there is one to begin with. or maybe, at the end of the day, the only truth is what we decide what can be, real.

just came back from the black crowes gig at the henry fonda theater. good stuff! ben harper came out for the encore, and i left with a 3-disc CD of the show. that was a pretty damn good gig, and i never regret going to these kinds of gigs alone if i have to.

randomly browsing through wikipedia, i stumbled on the smashing pumpkins. and now they’re playing on itunes. there really isn’t anything else that pacifies me the way siamese dream does; i’m hopelessly attached to everything about the album and the songs. it’s one of those mysteries, of the beautiful kind.. like how i met the little hurricane. :)

the refrigerator doesn’t smell like it’s happy that i’ve been gone for two weeks.

i ended up at the gas station sitting right next to my hotel for a smoked turkey and cheese sandwhich, coupled with a cold glass of chocolate milk. ‘dinner of champions!’ i exclaimed, as the guy behind the counter let out a guffaw.

when the clock hits ten-thirty, what really matters? except for the simplest pleasures of life. chocolate milk, and a warm bed. a hug, would be nice too.

i’m booking itineraries like a madman on expedia corporate. i don’t think i’ve ever been gone for this long, and it’s only the third week – and i’ll be gone for one more month. i can’t even believe this. i might as well pack all my earthly goods in a suitcase.

i never talked about what happened to me last sunday, when i checked in my original hotel as planned. in all the places, spots and crevices that i’ve been known to sleep on and make do with my happy-go-lucky disposition, i’ve never had anything like that. the room was not clean when i checked in, and the hotel seriously needed to be soaked in lysol. when you’re scared of taking a shower because you feel like it’s dirtier to take one, then you really know you’re in a bad spot. it was pretty ghetto. lovely!

small hoppety skips, little skippety beats. beyond qualifications of amusement, i lose my breath all over again..

it’s only been two weeks, but i feel like i haven’t been home in forever and a day. i wakeup in mid-dream sequences, trying to remember the firmness of my bed, and try to brush off the clean albeit foreign scent of hotel sheets. i guess they call it namamahay, when you’re not used to sleeping in a different spot.

along the years of random displacement, my perceptions of home have been freed from constraining the concept to a location. i’m sure the same goes for the rest of us. my notions of home have been dismantled into less tangible emotions, found in the food we eat, the music we share, the moments we create.

and lately, i’ve been hoping that at the end of piece-mealing all our adventures together, we find ourselves in the quiet solitude of truly being who we are, when we are, what we are. it’s so easy to complicate silly things like being happy. but it’s such a great mystery, watching it all unfold. cheerios to the weekend, brother bears.

come rest your bones with me, wrap up the troubles of the world. laughing up lines, misery folds up when our hello’s never really meet the goodbye’s..

boy, i’m getting older.

chalk one up for travel disasters. i thought the worst was over when i miraculously found a hotel for tonight (i still don’t know where i’m staying tomorrow till friday) because all the hotels are booked solid. and so i get to the airport, make my way to the rental car facility, and find out that my rental car is in a different airport an hour away. fine, i’ll pay the cab fare and make my way over, but in murphy’s law fashion, i called the place up and there were no cars on the lot.

the lot was empty. as if that weren’t enough, there were three other people who had reservations, waiting for car returns. and at the airport i was at, all other car rentals were stripped clean. all car rentals and hotels, up until the weekend.

so i take a cab to my hotel, and thank my stars that at least i had a place to stay tonight. i go into my routine of chatting up the cabbie, when all of a sudden the popos pull us over. “was i speeding? did i do anything wrong?” the cabbie exclaims to me as the cops flash us with their lights. i was caught off guard, since he wasn’t doing anything. “i think i’m going to jail.” i quietly put on my seatbelt in the back, and an officer comes up.

“i scanned your plates. you have a warrant.” so, great, right. i’m stuck in the middle of nowhere with a cabbie that has a warrant for his arrest. he’s going to jail! for all i know, he’s a cold blooded rapist and/or killer and/or accountant.

turns out that he needed to pay his bondsman for bail, for a warrant that took effect today. he had to pay a $475 bond for impeding traffic or some stupid violation like that, and i believe he was going to take care of it tonight as well. but, alas, luck doesn’t befall any of us tonight.

anyway i don’t want to bore with the details, i’m just glad i’m somewhere with a bed and a shower. and i might add, i’ve never been in a hotel room as big as this one i’m in. the ceiling is probably 15 feet up, and there’s an adjacent living room and dining area. it’s kinda creepy, actually, because the place is really really dim with a slight hint of the musky aroma reminiscent of cockroaches from hell (AKA manila). i feel like i’m in an abandoned castle in a cheese-ball disney cartoon movie.

there was a lady and her kid in the lobby inquiring about availability, and all hotels in the city within a 50 mile radius are booked solid. i felt bad. with all this space, we can fit 15 people in here. but that would mean i can’t prance around in my underwear.

thoughts of me in my underwear. now, isn’t that refreshing? i’m starting to fall off my rocker. after spilling coffee all over myself and losing my rental car and getting stuck in a cab with a driver who’s going to jail… at the end of the day, all i really want to do is crawl underneath the sheets. like what i said earlier this morning. sleep comes, after blogging of course. :P