I miss you, and I love you Alexis.
I try so hard to make this pain concrete, but it eludes me. Perhaps akin to the same phantom pain that amputees experience. A remedy, they found, was a mirror placed strategically against the undamaged symmetrical part of the body that tricks the mind into thinking that you are complete. When it is, in fact just a mirror-image placebo. And that’s good enough to temporarily thwart the pain of something that is not there. A pain of something that is vivid in your memory, that you want so badly to wake up from.
I wish I could look into a mirror and quantify the completeness of my life, but everyday is a struggle to find that empty spot that needs to be filled. The day is full of distractions, full of chatter with no meaning. A lot of times you succeed in playing through the motions that the ‘real’ world prescribes you, the routine that allows you to function outside of your mind. Disconnect me from the bullshit. What makes the pain worse is not just the past; the real pain lies in imagining a world without you in it. I miss you, and I love you, Alexis and Nika.
I don’t mean to be a jackass, but the next time someone shows up to a small gig using a dSLR and kit lens, taking an obnoxious number of pictures using the pop-up flash… I will ask how their pictures went, and gush about how they must be so awesome!
Seriously. There’s a reason why flash photography is not allowed in venues. Not to blind the band, but to prevent people from taking crap pictures. Remember, on-board flash = crap! And if you can obviously see on the playback screen that your pictures look like crap, taking another one (and 40 more thereafter) using the same technique must probably give you better photographs. What’s that saying about teaching the pig to fly? Something about annoying the pig.
Time to get some pho and clear out my head.
My true love
is not a person
nor a place
But it is a time
when I realize that empty space I feel
needs to be filled
with friends to meet
with a life to live
with love to give.
Alexis and Nika, you will always be in the celebrations of my life, and all the people who were blessed to have known you. I love you both.
I’ve been awake for more than 24 hours, the brave recipient of jet lag and a very long exciting day. Before I post videos of the amazing $6 Flaming Lips gig in San Diego, I will need to digress and talk about a big blooper I just made.
Since I’m wide awake and partially functional at 5AM, I realized that the sprinkler system was going off schedule at 4AM. I remember setting it before I left for my trip, to follow the legally mandated Mondays and Thursdays. Long story short, I didn’t read the instructions on the control panel (conveniently in bold and all-caps) that states that the push pins were to be inserted on days that you don’t want the system operating. Of course I had it all wrong, and I’ve been watering on all opposite days. And to think, I was so proud of switching over to save water. And remembered wondering why the neighbor kept on watering his lawn in the middle of the night everyday. Apparently, it was mine. Ugh.
Starting to heat up the credit card. Just reserved an f/1.2L lens I’m planning to use on a wedding in a few weeks, and bought a new flyscreen on a whim for the Vespa in anticipation of a big trip.
So many things I want to get done, but there’s never enough time in the world to do anything that you actually like doing. Maybe that’s what makes it all the more tempting to achieve. Trying to reach the horizon never ends, even if you’re already there.
Two artists on top of my list when we get a record player for the house: Nick Drake and Grand Funk Railroad. Beautiful, in their own way. Just like the rest of us.
The room is in an eternal state of disorder. Tidbits and knick-knacks, strewn across all flat level surfaces. Boxes of half-finished projects (2 year old sun-jars, 3 year old floating picture frames), an ever growing to-do list, an anxious fur-ball waiting for a walk. I need some sort of personal time-and-priority management program, to start trimming some of the habitual junk (i.e. surfing the intarwebz) that’s invading the precious waking minutes of the day. Such an easy excuse to blame the existence of a tomorrow, to put it off when your state of mind is a bit more willing to bend under pressure. Not when you’re too busy doing absolutely nothing.
Behind all the signals, lie white noise. You’ll miss the point, if you listen too hard. You’ll forget the music, if you can’t listen at all.
Vivid dream last night.
Best friend was starting a new business, with the help of his father-in-law, based on the distribution of medicines and pharmaceuticals. They were going to market ‘gourmet’ cough syrup, in the various flavors of black truffle, garlic butter, and crab fat.
If you’re sick and need to get some meds, might as well go down in style. And then I woke up with extremely itchy eyes and a runny nose. Hmmm.
EDIT: And I just remembered part of the dream that someone stole my identity and racked up serious debt under my name. Ruined my FICO score of 757 down to 400. Should I play the lottery against those numbers?
Goodbye, Los Angeles.
I’ve decided that the increase in sales tax, the uncertain economic gloom, the declining real estate market and 101 405 intersection traffic are too much to bear. Business is bad.
And so my bags are being packed, along with the dog, to seek greener pastures in the Micronesia archipelago where the grass is green, the skies blue, and the clouds cry an occasional thunderstorm. Kat has also decided to pack up in a few months, and join me as we seek to get out of the California glow and turn Chamorro in Guam.
Feel free to send us postcards, and we’re sure to do the same. :)
Heading back to SoCal in a few hours. Haven’t packed.
Had lunch with my ninong earlier. Always something new to learn speaking with old souls that have been around longer than you.
Life comes, times go…
My best man speech is going to bomb later, I can tell. Johnny will keep me company up on the mic, and 22 years of friendship shall try to speak to its own testaments.
I love writing sentimental crap as evidenced by the ramblings on this blog, but it’s a different animal when you’ll need to dish it out to an audience, most of whom you don’t know. Well, no one remembers anything the next day anyway, unless I do something really retarded. Which Johnny and I just might. Mwahaha!
I can’t believe Indie 103.1 is off the air!! Screw the corporate machine and mainstream radio!
Thank God KCRW is still around..
Nursing a post-New Year party headache at my bro’s pad in Serendra. Kicked off the party circuit last night by myself at 2am, and ran into a lot of old friends (Dave and Genie!) at Mag:Net, along with other friendly faces. Caught the first sunrise of the year with the Matrianos along the outskirts of a dying party at Bonifacio High Street, where I valiantly tried to wingman Mat to set off the year right, but came up a tad short. Fun times!
Would like to catch up with old friends while I’m here in Manila for another two weeks. Please!