VITO APOLLO quite literally landed into my arms during the night of April 4, in what turned out to be an unassisted, unattended homebirth – just me, Kat, and this special one.
We of course did not plan it to unfold this way, but as they say.. life moves pretty fast. There was no time to think, no time to panic.
I’ll never forget the birthing sounds Kat was making in the living room while I took Nickel out to pee. Telling him to hurry up and finish while birthing sounds reverberated throughout the garden. As soon as we get back inside, Kat moaned “I can feel the head”. I mumbled something about it not being true – she hasn’t even been pushing – but she dove back into another powerful wave, and upon closer inspection… she was right. It’s literally like your life flashes before your eyes. All the moments you’ve doubted yourself and said you weren’t good enough and all the moments of youth when you narrowly escape disaster. And you tell yourself, no. This time, I am good enough. And this is the time to make it matter. Time stops when you’re cradling the head of your baby, while the rest of his body is still inside. You pray to high heavens to guide you through this. We are together. This bond is unbreakable. At this moment, and the millions of years and births that have come before.
By the grace of all that is good and great in this world, this baby boy full of life, VITO APOLLO (Mato asking the moon for a sibling since he was 3), came out beautiful and healthy. I could not be more thankful.
I’ll save the other bloody details offline. A traditional birth is nothing short of amazing. Just to see with your own eyes what a mother goes through, a reminder to the rest of us where we all come from. The human body, and how everything comes together is mind blowing. I am not religious, but am extremely blessed that the universe has given my family this gift. To say that I love them to the moon and back would be an understatement. We are nobody without each other.
Always remember – there is no beauty in this world without its mothers. And I can only hope to let this family know that I love them as much as the universe has said it loved me.
I was recently forced to purge hundreds of photos from my Flickr account, as they changed ownership and subsequently changed their free model. It made me realize the impermanence of anything online – everything is bound to the terms-of-service, and the reality is that all this representation of thoughts and feelings are nothing more than ones and zeroes in a hard drive somewhere, waiting for the plug to get pulled.
Not that the idiosyncrasies of half-thought drivel are of importance to anyone, but I wonder if it bodes the same for our memories. That one day, everything will be forgotten.
Not that anybody cares, but I fixed some old bugs that prevented older pictures from showing up… At this point this blog is mostly a sporadic personal exercise for (the lack of) introspection.
I wish I could say that I’m infinitely wiser from the 15 years when I began this pet project. All I can say is that I’ve successfully deviated into a lot of other side-interests that have left me into some odd jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none.
I have no plans to live forever, and maybe we should start acting accordingly. One of my favorite pastimes is to listen to Christian radio – don’t ask. Crackle, pop, follow the word and earn everlasting life. What does it mean to have everlasting life?? I can’t imagine. I don’t understand. To live forever? What does that mean? It makes me feel several shades of stupid considering I had the opportunity to ask that question in school for several decades, and here we are out of the gate questioning the validity of our existence.
But honestly, I don’t get it. To live forever? To what purpose?
If I do not choose the path of righteousness… I die? Forever?
Maybe we need to embrace that these moments of our lives are meant to be cherished, that what makes us human is the ephemeral nature of our consciousness. The world has not, and will never revolve around us, and even if we successfully convince ourselves that we are all that we will ever know, it does not diminish the fact that the zeitgeist will change, and to a degree the minute details are inconsequential.
Maybe the only promises kept are the ones we create ourselves. Maybe we need to start believing that our lives are our own to create, that we need to be good precisely because we won’t last forever.. because what would the point be, otherwise?
So I caught up a little bit on this side of the web. The nice part is that my extended hiatus means the number of eyeballs regularly visiting this now forgotten corner have dried up. Which ironically means that I can comfortably babble as much as I want, without any fear of people I know IRL reading my brain farts and making possibly inane and semi-unsubstantiated judgments about my moral character and psychological well-being. Not that I cared to begin with, but it helps to pretend not having an audience sometimes.
That being said, I was experimenting with automatic uploads of my Instagram feed into blog posts. Well, that didn’t work out too well since the pictures really get chewed up in the conversion. In a server somewhere, they’re being downsampled to oblivion. So in a weird throwback of analog-esque proportions, Flickr really is still the way to go in keeping tabs with how sharp I like my pictures to come out. The process might be tedious, but so is this life if you want things a certain way.
It’s so easy to flood our social media with useless drivel, but in the same manner that I curate my Instagram feed to troll on my van-life fantasies, I would like to somehow try to take nice photographs of the memories that define the zeitgeist of my life, without being enslaved by the burden of an audience.
And so it’s nice to have this alternate universe, where your platform is wide open yet at the same time private, because it’s not forced into a screen like FB and IG. Jesus I really need to sleep. Bye.
We take life so seriously, and waste our time collecting physical manifestations of wealth that are the hallmarks of American success. More. Bigger. Better. The challenge is to cut through the noise and have the ability to allocate our time to what makes our lives worth living. The ancillaries are superfluous, the stakes are high. Simplify.
Was reading a few entries from a decade (!) ago, and was surprisingly entertained. Either life was simpler yet more exciting in the blossoming of your twenties, or I’m just not drunk when I write on here anymore.
Maybe the dreams are bigger now, but the realities more ingrained and systemic. But we work on it everyday, chipping on that wall of doubt and indecision, trying to get a glimpse of what it means to really be who we are. The American Dream may occasionally cloud our vision, but never let it control nor dampen the fire of your passions.