Monthly Archives: April 2005

coachella this weekend. sorry, but i’ve declared gloating rights, and a lovine holiday. i’m so stoked!

instead of getting with the program and packing my stuff, i end up blogging to pass the time while i burn CDs for the road. it’s some sort of ritual before long drives, to solicit sleepless nights cramming as many decent playlists i can muster. i need to organize my music. and my life. which might possibly be the same thing.. oooohhh..

i’m tired. but never too tired for the weekend! woot.

this has got to be one of the randomest weekends ever. on friday i took off for my buddy’s place near LMU, and shat ourselves when we caught his hot skanky neighbor opening the doors of her hummer. it could’ve been any other H2, but the tank was decked out in vinyl for bare elegance. how often does it happen that your neighbor is a stripper? time to borrow some salt, gio.

the rest of the weekend consisted of more sublime, pleasant surprises. i saw my crush at asaya, had my friends put under the spell of a little kitty, met new kids over drinks at the yardhouse and hookahs, and barely survived an impromptu photo shoot of sorts. also uploaded some pictures from a picnic at simi valley last weekend as well.

white collar work may be busting my ass, but the weekends have been blessed with random tokens of adventure that afford me the strength and hope of surviving the rest of the week.

outside the beige walls with no window, are daydreams swimming in a haze of distant memories. you start to remember all the places you’ve been aside from the one you’re stuck at the moment. the brush of wind to your face, the warmth of the sun dancing on your shoulders, the afforded freedom to wear flip flops and feel the sand stuck between your toes- wasting time because you can.

but in actuality, there’s a traffic jam outside that beige wall with no window. and lost opportunities. and broken hearts, shattered dreams, lonely squirrels, and a couple of bored ninjas. what’s funny is that they may secretly want the shelter of the windowless beige wall.. boy, ain’t the grass green?

what i’d give, for the catnaps of LMU days long gone by.

life has this fluid transgression in between waking moments, lulling you into a comfortable rhythm of routine.. quietly enslaving you to your comfort zone. wrapping you in familiar friendships, enveloping you with an amorphous feel-good substance you call home. and eventually, the endless days train you the ability to digest everyday occurances into a washed out plethora of numb empty actions. washed out, fed up, stagnant – and you don’t even know it.

there always seems to be a reason to run away from something.

gosh.

fearing the most at this moment- like a clock unwinding, the complete opposite of the direction we’re supposed to be heading.

feeling like passions might run dry, without even knowing what they really are. feeling like another cog in the wheel with no purpose nor consequence to exist, a small bump in the road and a small jitter at the most when taken out of the system. trivialities take on the form of tragedies. like everyone else just searching for meaning, outside of living moments each second at a time. where is the bigger picture?

an overall lack of faith, a lack of defined sensible reasons for being, a lack of understanding for personal space in conjunction with the space everyone else claims. in the bottom of the barrel we might all just be the same, struggling to be different, but still chained to the reality that we’re just like everyone else.

what is purpose? what is meaning? … who are you?

zen sushi, silverlake last night. armed myself with the camera and a new flash head. mix old friends with the new, and i’m a happy camper!

i need to find earplugs, my eardrums are shot. everything sounds dull and when i find myself in the company of silence, a ringing bell starts to resonate right through my skull. how can you not love body and soul numbing rock and roll? more music! louder! yess…

i forgot to eat dinner. sometimes i wish i never had to bother, especially when i have no time to share it with anyone. so i guess it becomes a good thing that i forgot about it, cos i feel fat anyway. there goes my cup of sarcasm. i’m going to make a t-shirt that says “i love carbs.”

i came across this in the philippine daily inquirer a few minutes ago. what struck me was the prayer he wrote moments before taking his life. inspite the beauty of what is written, it belies tragedy.

i feel like we will all face the same questions, of how our small lives fit into the greater scheme of things. not only by trying to search for meaning, but in trying to keep our heads above the torrents of a corrupt world in a struggle to keep our faith- even the smallest faith, the smallest truths that are only true because we believe in them.

From: Ted Borlongan
Subject: My prayer

GOD asked me to wait; I endured. God asked me to do right; I struggled for what was right. I kept strong outside, but stood alone. My unbearable fear, burden and pain for the sake of others and my family, I shared only with God.

O where is Justice? Where is Truth? Where is Compassion? It is Your face Lord, I truly seek. If not now, then after this lifetime. If not here, then in Your kingdom.

I finished my race; I fought my good fight; I did not give up; I kept my faith. Yet death may still bear meaning or purpose for others, if not our lives.

Lord, look upon us with mercy and love in our last moments of human frailty. Let me sing You praise and glory forever in Your house.

may he rest, in peace.

secrets are unspoken when our eyes meet, and it’s funny if you might understand what that split second means. or maybe i’m just doomed to being a loser for the rest of my life. gosh. idiiiot. whudduya thiiink?

genuine repentance doesn’t come without genuine forgiveness… simple enough, unlocking complications into sense. i’ll explain tomorrow. kudos to roy!

i coughed up blood in the shower this morning.

it’s not fun waking up when the sun isn’t out. unless i’m going to the airport, or leaving with my dog for the beach. it ain’t cool.

oh, boy.

if you paid attention, then maybe you’d understand. or maybe you never were really meant to, in the same capacity that i don’t. we may choose to throw it all up and let the wind decide options we never had the strength to confirm. decisions that weighed more than souls combined yet let alone to be tickled by faith in random fate. factored only by time, and quite possibly by the random permutations of chance. a thousand silent messages are exchanged, when our pupils dilate in the shared space when we accidentaly look at each other.

or maybe she doesn’t really care when i look at her. she seems too engrossed in her art. what comfort does doubt provide?

saw stella’s notch this weekend. only the second time i’ve seen them, but they always manage to floor me; my whole world stops when melody starts to sing. they’re on my list of bands to follow, most definitely.

i am feeling extremely lazy, that i can feel myself too tired to even be lazy. i spent more than half of the day lounging around like a housecat, flip flopping in bed like a salmon out of water in two dimensional slow motion. i love it when i put my hand under the pillow to find a few cold moments, and the insincere fragility of dreams that ensue in a half waken state.

i wonder if i’ll survive this week of white collar sweatshopping. it only takes a few thoughts for me to want to close my eyes a moment longer than the last.