Monthly Archives: January 2005

i will be gone for a week, to spend some time in the northern reaches of this continent. not as far north as i would’ve wanted, but still northern nonetheless. i’ll be taking a car up to sanfo, and boarding the amtrak for the coast starlight route up to seattle.

in the meantime, i daydream about the sheer wildness of going to alaska or plunking 10 g’s towards a trip to antarctica. isolation! but with the way things are going, they’ll be a little bit longer than a daydream.

inside me burns an insatiable desire to explore the world, because i’m certain that it is only in knowing what’s outside of me that i can begin to realise the truths inside. i may never really understand, but i might as well have fun trying. even if it slowly kills me.

the biggest mystery of life is trying to understand the reasons why i loved you. but maybe the mysteries of life are meant to be that way, never really knowing the reasons why… but accepting it for what it is, for what it means. even if it never really does make sense. remember the stills: “logic will break your heart.”

we all only live once. and denying yourself the few things that make life matter, is the least you can ever deserve.

i find it funny how we all wish for the power to change things in our lives that we can actually control.

and she might never really understand, all the difference it makes. just the way she smiles, and shrugs the troubles on her shoulders. and she may never really know how heavy it is a burden, to look into her eyes and… lose.

stories untold are left to be forgotten in the gardens of the past, except by the memories of hearts that tread them. moments lost are moments forever gone, except in the regrets that linger – but when eyes meet for that split second, it’s also enough to last me forever.

stories untold are left to be forgotten in the gardens of the past, except by the memories of hearts that tread them.

obligatory vain picture. sorry. 'sup, brah?went out to santa monica to bring our friend olaf from deutscheland out. study abroad rocks. maybe had a drink too many, but what’s life for if you don’t enjoy the excess? as nietzsche would say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. and if is does, well, live fast.. and die faster.

( wir machen spaƟ )



jetlag? no excuses for your first weekend in LA! woot!



crouch down a little bit so we’re all the same height, dammit.


crashed this anniv party in santa monica at this place called the kutting room, where this band called the soccer moms were rockin out. pretty hip crowd, scored a shot of some sort of vodka creme liquor, then off to gotham where i drowned myself in B52’s. i need to get out more often. i guess i realized that the world isn’t as square as you think it is. although i’ve been many places and left my presumptions many places, there’s always more to than what you think you can discover.

off to san francisco tomorrow. hoping to take wonderful pictures, and meet up with wonderful friends. the world get smaller, but is never small enough, is it?

i feel like the choices i make are based on a WACC (weighted average cost of capital) curve, a logical assertion that the risks i expose myself to in the different facets of this dumb life are bouyed by the potential benefits of such undertakings. now, there’s nothing wrong with being careful. but something tells me there’s something amiss, a curveball against a seemingly foolproof way of going about my life. sure i’ve jumped off a cliff, ran across campus naked, and flew alone past the arctic circle to balance things out. dear grandkids, i wasn’t a square. unfortunately, i sit here with the stark realization that i am still awaiting the day that i venture out of my processes. throw me off my rocker! that one crazy thing that will defy all explanations, that will go against all the rules i’ve accustomed my standards to. and not something that can be diluted by time, but i want to find something, someone, that will make me drop what i’m doing and ask questions all over again. to surrender, all over again.

or maybe love is just a fallacy. :)

couldn’t sleep and woke up at 8am. thoughts rushing in with freight train momentum, a concave ceiling dotted with stars of people that i’ve met over the years, slowly descending but coming in all at once. i can feel the butt on my chair, but am transient in substance as the back of my mind is awash with faces of old acquaintances that greet me in a neverending stream of recollection. i wonder how they’re doing. are you out there?

in the strange morning silence comes a brief moment where i’m a passerby in my own life, a stranger to my own comforts.

wow! i am allergic to chicken, those filthy little animals. birds are dirty. if i had it my way, i’d eat sushi all the time. mmm, hamatchi and uni..

everyone’s trying to break the mold and jump out of a pidgeon hole, while vesting enough slack to wade in the pool with everyone else. hey, look at me! i’m just like you. there are some people that drown themselves in ‘me’ talk, while the rare few do nothing but listen as you crack open your defenses and expose yourself. you crown them friend by virtue of their open ear, without even really knowing who they are. this allows unfiltered assumptions take hold, and i really don’t know what the shnizzle i’m talking about right now. quite a dumping ground for that urge to figuratively stick your neck out a little bit more, stretch a few noodles and be silly only because you can afford to be, without endangering anyone’s space.

apparently, ants are resilient to microwaves. might be my imagination, but after a healthy dosage of high powered zapping, their antennae seem tightly bristled and pace frantically around the cubic interior. the musings of a guy with the curiosity of a cat. too bad i’m not evil enough to microwave my sister’s goldfish. hehe.. oh, hello elmo.

heaven as a splendid plethora of spiritual zen. of all good things eternal, of salvation and contentment. heaven, what it boils down to, is having alicia keys sitting on my left thigh.. and jennifer love hewitt on my right… and throw in brooke burke massaging my back for good measure. whew.

back up a little bit, have a little space to stretch arms. look up at the stars and take a breathe of silver sky, close eyes slowly and sink right back into consciousness. to be aware of the grass between the toes, warm body taut against the cold night shimmer. on top of a lonely hill, a dance against hazy uncertainties but dreams remain afloat.

maybe the stars aren’t exactly aligned right now, and who really knows for certain what tomorrow brings? the sandman gives the gift of slumber, but fortunes and dreams are gifts bourne of your own wings.