Monthly Archives: August 2004

inside, a light flickers casting your shadow a quivering dance beneath your feet. did you ever notice that any part of your body will never be detached from your shadow, unless you were floating?

amazing in spite of your tiny arms how you managed to have given me the biggest hug that i’ve ever received. in an instant, i knew that everything that ever really matter in my life can’t be found in the mundane world outside the tiny circle of your sweet little embrace. and you know what, you’re just so damn adorable. i love you nisey :)

i wish i could dream in color for my every waking moment. talk in poetry, think in song. paint with my mind, speak with my soul. it’s always a long day the moment i open my eyes. an even longer one when i close them.

if i had to take serious dibs on a hobby, i’d have to say collecting friends. that would make such an invaluable resource, a natural springboard into other alien things. its like having one wish, and you’d wish for more wishes. if i had a hobby, i’d collect friends so i can be inspired by the things they do as well. anyway what led me to jot this down is that a lot of times i have a specific question floating in my mind that can’t be answered by a search engine, and there’s a need for me to converse with someone who can fill in the gaps.

although i must say i already do have a diverse set (i mean, look at you. you’re weird), for some reason i always feel like its never enough. i want to look at my friends list, my phonebook, and have an inherent search engine waiting at my fingertips. everyone’s their own expert for their own quirk. not mere machines, but breathing, thinking souls like mine. pardon the rant, i gotta shape up on my writing. fleeting at best, it doesn’t help that my thoughts are hardly even cohesive.

a kiss for the birthday boyand i’d like to share a few apt parting words from mikko the happy birthday boy: “the whole world conspired for that trip. everyone else will have their own great experience to share. you had yours, share it!” i’m a whore like that. lets share each other’s experiences. happy birthday, brah. :)

disturbing. i had just awoken from a vivid dream, involving lots of cockroaches in a frying pan. after awhile, they started to plump up and miraculously transform into juicy orange shrimp, succulently swimming in oil and frying into a golden crisp. what does this mean? ugh.

click me. unedited, sans resizing. took it an hour ago, i’m hoppy with it. quite unexpected, these things.

listening to BC’s first album. its giving me flashbacks of my freshman year, having to go through the living hell of a long distance relationship. this disc accompanied me through many lonely nights aplenty, next only to DMB’s lillywhite sessions. my, my. those were the days. when will i fall like that again? take your time love, i’m just waiting.

i guess one of the reasons why i’m still unemployed is my exposure to an inane amount of uninspiring moments. i sit here at home staring at a pale lcd, randomly drifting about trying to fill in the voids of an attention span found under the water.

i need to get busy. last night i thought of a new project, involving the construction of a night-light based on the waxen beer glasses i scored in deutscheland. i’ll see how that goes. this site, as usual, is an on-going project in the making.

i’m glad andre stayed for a couple of days this week. he gave me a much needed reality check, and unknowingly made me face a direction that has been fogged out of view by my delaying tactics of recent months. i’ve never been as comfortable with anyone else in discussing nerd fart such as finance and accounting. we all have our own quirks, and i’ve known this guy long enough to realize that he knows what he’s talking about. he shoots the shit straight to you, with no pretensions. it’s people like him who make me realize that i want to work, and really work for something aside from just going through the actions.. i feel like we could own the world, if we wanted to.

a random jellybean stuck in the gears; here’s a concrete reason why i haven’t found a job yet. i’m studying for the funk exam (743k).

show me how you do that trick, the one that makes me scream she said. the one that makes me laugh she said, and threw her arms around my head.. show me how you do it, and i’ll promise you, i’ll promise that i’ll run away with you..

if you found yourself singing along while reading it, well.. cool. :) i just felt like sharing the moment.

san diego sure is crazy. i had three girls on an explorer give me the finger simultaneously. what a weekend! whew.

my knees just get really weak for japanese girls. when they’re pretty, they’re just.. my poison pill. it didn’t help that i was wearing my japanese green tea shirt, i just couldn’t muster enough balls up to strike a conversation. can i spell loser on my forehead? a million stolen glances was all i could give her. she had a boyfriend, and i made it a convenient excuse to shy away like a little lost boy. her having a boyfriend made a perfect smoke screen for my non-existent social skills.

then again, the question arises, whether i would’ve done anything had the boyfriend not been there. i can always argue that i’ll never know cos thats not the case, but its always a legitimate concern.

on top of that, this underage girl made a pun about my ‘height’ outside the bar we were at. i guess she was surprised cos i look 12. spell bitter? screw you bitch, at least i’m not a loser who can’t get into bars. what i lack in height, i make up in length… my charm goes a long way :”> at least i’m not stupid like you.

nothing’s in vain though. i met this amazing girl who’s gung-ho about her music, and i now have a lead to my goal of finding a band. if you can’t find love in women, screw it, i’ll always find it in music. :)

the weirdest thing happened. i watched waking life, but had to stop in the middle cos i fell into a deep slumber. i was passed out the rest of the afternoon and had the most vivid dreams, which i don’t remember aside from knowing that i was dreaming at those moments. weird that i passed out like that, considering how late i wokeup and how upside down my clock as turned.

before the movie…

sister: you drank beer?

me: no, why?

sister: there’s an empty bottle here on the sink.

me: oh, i threw it outside.

sister: what? why?

me: it’s my friend’s birthday.. deutsche.

sister: …

sister: you know what, i was cleaning out my old wallet a few days ago, and i saw his name and number on a piece of paper. i stopped for a second, and thought about him.. maybe its a way for him to remind us.. awww deutsche. :c

happy birthday, brah. we miss you man.

h: I MUST STAY SINGLE

h: even if i have a little heart aching to be loved

ain’t life grand?

i feel like there’s something wrong. these recurring moments of wanting a vacation from my life are becoming too frequent. maybe its the blue light creeping through the shutters reminding me its early daylight outside. maybe its the half-baked resume thats sleeping idlly on my laptop. maybe its the room in shambles, or the fact that i can’t write a decent song nor sing for shit. maybe they’re reasons unknown.

i feel like i haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a long time. i’m guessing it trancends physical exhaustion, and has something to do with my general unpacified want for something to fire me up. i have these goals in mind, but therein lies the problem, that they’re only in my mind gathering dust. as for my hands, they clickety clack wildy on the keyboard typing comical nonsense and what not. i play the guitar, but it all starts to sound the same the longer i keep trying. everything starts to condense into one imperceptible haze, the longer i let the silence of my life run through. everything starts to.. disappear.

i need something, someone, to inspire me. can i find it inside? can i find it outside? … can i find it at all?

sometimes i wonder which is worse: going to sleep and never waking back up, or being awake forever. does being awake mean you’ll never dream again? does dreaming forever mean that your dreams will never really come true? sometimes, i wonder.